Letting Go of Perfectionism
I used to be proud of being a perfectionist. I do believe a healthy dose of perfectionism can be a good thing - something that motivates us to do better and strive for more for ourselves. While this quality has contributed to my growth and success to some degree, I’ve come to understand that the pressure I put on myself can often be more hurtful than helpful.
Psychology Today describes the following as common traits for a perfectionist:
“You get ‘stuck’ on tasks through endless procrastination for concern over mistakes.
You feel shame and guilt when you make a mistake or feel you didn't perform at your best.
You focus on the flaws rather than what's gone right.
You might even expect perfection from the people around you.”
If this resonates with you, you may feel that there is very little room in our world to be a normal, flawed human being anymore. But the truth is, perfection doesn’t exist in real life. When we make perfection the goal or assume that perfection is the status quo, we are setting ourselves up to fail. If we constantly feel like we’re failing, then it’s only a matter of time before we give up. It’s incredibly damaging to live our lives that way.
I have struggled with perfectionism for as long as I can remember. It’s only now that I’m nearing the end of my twenties that I’m learning how to release the unrealistic expectations I continually put on myself. In this post, I’m sharing the insights I’ve had on just why perfectionism is so detrimental and the affirmations or action-steps I use to get let it go.
Perfectionism is the enemy of progress.
I have definitely held myself back from doing things out of worry that I wouldn’t be able to perform to a high enough standard. My inner critic chimes in saying, “if you can’t do it perfectly, then don’t bother”. But that’s not a productive pattern of thinking. It takes practice to get good at something. If we never give ourselves the chance to practice or room to make mistakes, we won’t give ourselves the chance to learn and grow.
Instead, we can give ourselves permission to just “try” and see how it goes. If our big goals have us stuck in perfection paralysis, we can remind ourselves that not every step along the way will be perfect but that doesn’t mean the end result won’t be great. Letting go of unrealistic expectations and accepting “good-enough” work” is what opens the door to real momentum.
Perfectionism is a breeding ground for discontent
In this age of social media, we’re constantly being barraged with marketing messages about the new “must-haves”. Whether is fashion, fitness, career, parenting, or home decorating - we’re being sold this idea of a perfect, curated lifestyle that doesn’t actually exist outside a collection of little squares on our phones. In a similar way, I love reading books and listening to podcasts on personal development but I’ve learned I can definitely overdo it on that type of information. While I think self-discovery is an important tool for growth, there’s a danger of becoming hyper focused on overcoming our flaws. We can never feel truly content when there’s always something to upgrade or improve.
Instead, we can practice gratitude and remind ourselves that we already have everything we need to be happy. Recognizing all that we have to be grateful for is an excellent antidote to perfectionist thoughts. When we start spiraling over a perceived failure or mistake, we can reframe the situation by asking what went well or what we can be grateful for. Even if it’s just that we learned what not to do in the future, we can still choose to see that as progress towards our goals.
Perfectionism puts distance where there should be connection.
That last bullet point, “you may even expect perfection from the people around you” really hit home for me. In general, I think I give other people a lot more grace than I give myself but I know I’m guilty of this too. It is easy to judge and criticize. It’s even easier to detach and isolate yourself. It’s much harder to be vulnerable and create meaningful connections with others. Whether we gossip about others or hold them at arm’s length, the root cause is the same - either through distraction or distance, we avoid sharing our true selves with others because we’re worried we aren’t enough.
Instead, we can remind ourselves that we are deserving of love - just as we are - by showing love to others. It can be as simple as looking for opportunities to see the good in others and then speaking it. Being generous with compliments is an easy way to open the door to more meaningful connections. Likewise, extending grace when someone might be expecting judgement is such a simple but powerful thing. By showing acceptance and understanding to others, we can begin to show more acceptance and understanding to ourselves in our own imperfections.
I come up against waves of perfectionism almost every day. Even hitting “publish” on this post was an exercise in letting go of perfectionism. I’m not sure if it will always feel like such an uphill battle or if it will get easier over time. But I know what I can do is remind myself everyday that I’m allowed to make mistakes, that I have so much to be grateful for and that I am enough, just as I am. I hope that I’ve reminded you of those same things today.
